Delusion

"Sometimes the things we want most in life are the things that will kill us." Donald Miller, Blue Like Jazz

It's too easy to love darkness.  Too easy to think we are doing right when we are doing wrong.  For many years I worried about behavior modification and struggled to maintain the right appearance, just like the Pharisees' whitewashed tombstones I so self righteously scorned.  I kept trying to jump higher and higher, but my heart kept pulling me lower and lower.  Finally, I collapsed in a heap of exhaustion and failure at the Cross.  It was there I began my discovery of grace.

In Blue Like Jazz, Donald Miller writes about the struggle we all have with accepting grace. 

Enlightenment came in an unexpected place: a grocery store...While standing in line at the checkout counter, the lady in front of me pulled out food stamps to pay for her groceries...It was obvious as she unfolded the currency that she, I, and the checkout girl were quite uncomfortable with the interaction.  I wished there was something I could do.  I wished I could pay for her groceries myself, but to do so would have been to cause a greater scene....The woman never lifted her head as she organized her bags of groceries to set them into her cart.  She walked away from the checkout stand in the sort of still movements a person uses when they know they are being watched.

On the drive over the mountains that afternoon, I realized it was not the woman who should be pitied, it was me.  Somehow I had come to believe that because a person is in need, they are candidates for sympathy, not just charity.  It was not that I wanted to buy her groceries, the government was already doing that.  I wanted to buy her dignity.  And yet, by judging her, I was the one taking her dignity away...

I love to give to charity, but I don't want to be charity.  This is why I have so much trouble with grace.

He goes on to tell about discovering that his prayer requests in church were always for others, not himself.  He told himself that was proper, his struggles weren't that bad.  But a friend told him, "Don, you are not above the charity of God."

I am too prideful to accept the grace of God.  It isn't that I want to earn my own way to give something to God, it's that I want to earn my own way so I won't be charity.

 As I drove over the mountain that afternoon, realizing I was too proud to receive God's grace, I was humbled.  Who am I to think myself above God's charity?  And why would I forsake the riches of God's righteousness for the dung of my own ego?

---------

Rick says that I will love God because He first loved me.  I will obey God because I love God.  But if I cannot accept God's love, I cannot love Him in return, and I cannot obey Him.  Self discipline will never make us feel righteous or clean; accepting God's love will.The ability to accept God's grace and ferocious love is all the fuel we need to obey him in return....If we hear in our inner ear, a voice saying we are failures, we are losers, we will never amount to anything, this is the voice of Satan trying to convince the bride that the groom does not love her.  This is not the voice of God.  He woos us with kindness, He changes our character with the passion of His love....

 In exchange for our humility and willingness to accept the charity of God, we are given a kingdom.  And a beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion.

 It is a daily struggle to let go of that prideful delusion and embrace the Cross.  I think that's why Jesus invites us to take it up daily.  Embracing the Cross requires two empty hands.

"Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,"  Philippians 3:8 (KJV)

Glory

"The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of his hands." Psalm 19:1

"For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualities—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse."  Romans 1:20

There is a handwritten note in my Bible.  It is a statement my dear husband made while teaching a class on Genesis many years ago.

"The nature of God is seen in what He created." 

I think of this every time I see something awesome in nature.  What I am seeing is just a hint of the beauty of God, a glimpse of His glory, a reminder of his Presence with us in this earthly realm.

My heart can easily be filled and overwhelmed by just this small bit of God's nature.  What must it be like to behold Him face to face like Moses did?

As God continues the work He began in my heart so many years ago, I am humbled and grateful.  I understand the need to be stretched by adversity.  I want to be enabled to contain as much of Him as I can.

And I want to overflow into the lives of others.

Everlasting

"The eternal God is your refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deuteronomy 33:27

He is there. He is there to catch me when I'm falling, hold me when I'm trembling, lift me when I'm soaring.

"Praise be to you, O LORD, God of our father Israel, from everlasting to everlasting. Yours, O LORD, is the greatness and the power and the glory and the majesty and the splendor." 1 Chronicles 29:10-11

He is there. And everything is His.

"And the ransomed of the LORD will return. They will enter Zion with singing; everlasting joy will crown their heads. Gladness and joy will overtake them, and sorrow and sighing will flee away." Isaiah 35:10

He is there. He waits for me, to overwhelm me with His joy.

"The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: 'I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with lovingkindness.'" Jeremiah 31:3

He is there. And he loves me beyond measure.

"I tell you the truth, he that believes has everlasting life." Johm 6:47

He is there. He is life itself.

From everlasting to everlasting, He is there. He is love. He is joy. He is life.

And from everlasting to everlasting, He is God!

Independence

I have a furry friend named Misty the wonder dog. She is nothing special, it's just always a wonder if she will respond when I call.

Occasionally Misty gets loose. That happened yesterday. I called her, she took one look at me, then proceeded to trot across the street and down the neighbor's road. I followed, continuing to call her name.  Every now and then she would stop, turn to look at me, and then go on her merry way. Finally she got bored and came running. "We" were not amused.

And then I had a thought. It is often said that dogs reflect the personality of their owners. Misty is curious, a bit ADD, and very independent. In short, a lot like me.

I wonder if God ever gets as impatient with my ignoring Him as I do with Misty ignoring me. I can be just as headstrong as that dog, just as committed to "doing my thing."

I believe it is an example of our Creator's sense of humor that he put the two of us together to learn from each other. And I know that His grace is much greater than my own.

That silly dog is teaching me a lesson.  I want to be more sensitive and responsive to the voice of my Master.

"But humble, sincere, and conscientious obedience to the will of God, is more pleasing and acceptable to him than all burnt-offering and sacrifices. God is more glorified and self more denied, by obedience than by sacrifice. It is much easier to bring a bullock or lamb to be burned upon the altar, than to bring every high thought into obedience to God, and to make our will subject to his will. Those are unfit and unworthy to rule over men, who are not willing that God should rule over them."  Matthew Henry

"Samuel said, 'Has the LORD as much delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices As in obeying the voice of the LORD? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, And to heed than the fat of rams.'"   1 Samuel 15:22 (NASB)

Safe

The Safest Place on Earth, by Larry Crabb, is a book that spoke deeply to me during my time of affliction. There is one particular passage that was so meaningful, so accurately descriptive of my experience, I xeroxed it and keep it in my Bible where I can refer to it often. It speaks of the paradigm shift that brokenness brings.

Feeling in control, of course, brings its own kind of peace. But it's never a giving peace. And it leaves a latent terror asleep, like a coiled snake ready to spring if disturbed.

Brokenness lets us feel that terror. When we admit, deeply and emotionally, that we cannot control what we most want, overwhelming horror sweeps into our soul. We feel nothing deeper. The dark night of the soul begins. We lower our head, retreat into the safety of aloneness, and wail in sheer agony. It's impossible to believe that sheer delight is waiting to greet us. Someone else needs to believe it for us.

If we get with a friend, if we embrace all that we are in another's presence, in the presence of someone who listens to the Spirit, soon we discover that the lights went out only in the Lower Room.

There is another room, a better one, and even as we continue to wail, we realize our Upper Room is softly illuminated, only by a simple candle but with a flame that cannot be snuffed.

It may take days, months, even years to adjust our eyes to the gentle light. We're so used to the neon billboards of Las Vegas that candlelight in a quiet room seems dim, even unappealing. If we could return to the dazzling lights of a brighter Lower Room, we would. In His mercy, the Spirit keeps that room dark, often by seeming not to hear us as we pray. He walls us in so we cannot get our life together as we want. He leads us into the desert.

Eventually we pray, tentatively at first, pleadingly, without much confidence. But then we notice that our prayers shift from the prayers of petition to prayers of communion. Being with God becomes a pleasure, at some point our chief delight. Jealous feelings toward people more blessed seem to weaken as we learn to sit quietly in His presence, to value quietness with God.

The Bible suddenly means more. We read that nothing can separate us from Christ's love and we fall to our knees: "Lord, You're beautiful!" We've never said it before, not with quite that passion. Deep in our hearts, we begin to realize we're worshiping, we're delighting in God, we're in the Presence, and eavesdropping on the Trinity as They talk about us.

"I chose him."
"I died for him"
"I'm still working on him."
"He's Ours! It's almost time for the party!"

I have become comfortable with being walled in by the hand of God, and relish that time alone in the dimly lit room, the gentle breeze of the Spirit almost imperceptibly billowing the curtain, and the small but strong and steady candlelight.

And I am filled with gratitude for the affliction that brought me there, and reminded of Much Afraid's two companions, hand picked by her beloved Shepherd, on her journey to the High Places. At the end of the journey, Sorrow and Suffering's true names are revealed as Joy and Peace.

Affliction

"Deep is not a place we visit in our search for God, it's what happens when we find him." Calvin Miller

My spiritual journey for many years had been outward. My behavior had been modified to give the right appearance, but my heart was still empty and selfish. I enjoyed a good life and a good God. Then things started falling apart. I kept doing the "right things" and life became darker and darker. Somehow in the midst of that darkness, even though I could not feel it, I knew deep inside that a good God was in control. What I could feel was a profound, brooding silence.

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your heart, the more joy you can contain." Khalil Gibran

The silence did not lift for a long time. During that time I was searching, never doubting God's love for me, but not understanding His withdrawal. A dear friend walked that journey with me. If not for her, I would have been utterly alone.

It was during that time I began to understand that God does his best work in solitude and silence.

And pain.

Walking through this world we collect so much that is harmful to us, that hardens on our heart, like barnacles on driftwood. It takes of lot of intense scraping to get that off. When my heart was finally freed, it felt so tender.

"Good when He gives, supremely good; Nor less when He denies: Afflictions, from His sovereign hand, Are blessings in disguise." Brother Lawrence"

Embracing adversity is not an easy thing. But it is a good thing. Ask Job, Jeremiah, or Jesus. Submitting to affliction is an enlarging experience. And what a profound privilege to bear even the tiniest splinter of the cross of Christ.

"Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory." Romans 8:17

"I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death..." Philippians 3:10

"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows." 2 Corinthians 1:5

His Presence

"Have but one fear--fear to leave Him.  Be always with him.  Let us live in His presence.  Let us die in His presence."  Brother Lawrence 


"Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth."  Psalm 46:10

This is one of my favorite verses, perhaps because I need to be reminded again and again that I need to be still. That stillness is a requirement for knowing, experiencing God.

There is nothing more wonderful than the experience of God's presence, peace, forgiveness.  This song, featured in last night's Pray as You Go, reminds me of that sacred stillness that brings knowing and calls me again to be always with Him.

  

You, Lord, Are in This Place

Keith Duke

You, Lord, are in this place

Your presence fills it

Your presence is peace

You, Lord, are in my heart

Your presence fills it

Your presence is peace

You, Lord, are in my mind

Your presence fills it

Your presence is peace

You, Lord, are in my life

Your presence fills it

Your presence is peace

Collecting

There is something in the soul that wants to gather.  I started collecting quotes from my readings several years ago.  They are thoughts that breathed life into me, words that held a universe of wisdom within them.

Today is a good day for sitting with some of these old friends and inviting them to speak to me again.  If you would like to join me, go here, or click on the Quotes tab at the top of the page.  Find a quiet, comfortable place and go down the list.  Linger on one that settles on your mind.

Then please share what you find. Or comment on a favorite quote or Bible passage that brings you life.

I'll be listening.

My times

A few years ago we attended a Renovare conference in Colorado.  It was a very spiritually rich few days and I am still feasting off the notes.  It was during our time there that we were introduced to a singing group from the Northumbria Community in northeast England.  This community was founded in the late 70s and grew organically.

"As the founders pioneered and explored, a Community emerged around them, unplanned, spontaneous. Then out of a life actually being lived, with shared relationships and common values, a way of life was formed centred in ‘the one thing necessary’ of seeking God through Availability and Vulnerability. In discovering the history and heritage of Celtic Northumbria; the strong links to the saints and scholars of Ireland, the wisdom tradition of the Desert Fathers, the ‘mixed life’ of the Franciscans, there was a blending of cell and coracle, of monastery and mission, from which the language and ethos of the Community was born and is still sustained."

I was attracted to the group's folk style and simple, truth filled lyrics. Yesterday, driving home from church, I was touched again by this song of reality and hope.

My Times are in Your Hands

Alistair Maclean, Celtic Daily Prayer

 

Even though the day be laden
and

my task dreary
and 

my strength small

A song keeps singing in my heart

for I know 

that I am Thine
I am part of Thee
Thou are kin to me
and my times
all my times 

are in Thine hands

Singing

A young friend was here the other day working with me on a garden project.  As we were finishing, my dog Misty started baying in response to a nearby rescue vehicle siren.  My friend asked, "why is she doing that?"  I responded that Misty was a hound and that's what they do.  My young friend then observed. "it's beautiful."

I stopped and turned toward Misty.  Her head was pointed up to the sky as she sang from her soul.  There was a serene beauty to her I had never seen before.  She was doing what God created her to do, and doing it with all her heart.

I wonder if that is what we look like to the Father when we sing our heart out to him.  Do the angels watch us with wonder? 

I thanked my friend for the new perspective and mused on how important our spiritual community is, how another's view is a gift to guide us in our journey.

"How Can I Keep From Singing"

Chris Tomlin

There is an endless song
Echoes in my soul
I hear the music ring

And though the storms may come
I am holding on
To the rock I cling

How can I keep from singing Your praise
How can I ever say enough
How amazing is Your love
How can I keep from shouting Your name
I know I am loved by the King
And it makes my heart want to sing

I will lift my eyes
In the darkest night
For I know my Savior lives

And I will walk with You
Knowing You'll see me through
And sing the songs You give

I can sing in the troubled times
Sing when I win
I can sing when I lose my step
And fall down again
I can sing 'cause You pick me up
Sing 'cause You're there
I can sing 'cause You hear me, Lord
When I call to You in prayer
I can sing with my last breath
Sing for I know
That I'll sing with the angels
And the saints around the throne

Song

My new favorite bird is the Robin. Robins are the harbingers of Spring, and the first birds to raise young.

And theirs are the songs that awaken the dawn.

Many mornings I have watched as the dark slowly gives way to light. There is a hush, a silence, and then a song.

I have always found hope and joy in that song. And now I know who sings it.

Thank you, Father, for the Robin. And for the Robin's faithful song.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion; therefore I will wait for him." Lamentations 3:22-24 (NIV)

Heaven

When I was a child, I pictured Heaven as streets of gold, pearly gates, and the Sistine Chapel rendering of God as an old man with a long beard.

That's not what I "see" now, through much older eyes.

My current glimpses of the reality of Heaven lie in the everyday ordinary things of this life, my son's compassion on a stranger lost in the night, the beauty of a dogwood bloom, the face of my granddaughter in the face a gypsy child in India,the awe filled tears that spill out of my eyes as I hear a worship song.

Heaven is no longer a someday thing.

It is now, in the glory of the moment spent with Jesus "doing unto others", loving for His sake, being silent before Him, tending my relationships.

I have always wondered at the story of Enoch who "walked with God and was no more." Few details are given of his life other than he communed with God so closely that the transition from earth to Heaven was a walk from one world into the next.

I want to walk like Enoch.

"Thou wilt shew me the path of life: in thy presence is fulness of joy; at thy right hand there are pleasures for evermore." Psalm 16:11

Children

Isaiah 44:3-5

(KJV)

³For I will pour water upon him that is thirsty, and floods upon the dry ground: I will pour my spirit upon thy seed, and my blessing upon thine offspring:

 ⁴And they shall spring up as among the grass, as willows by the water courses.

 ⁵One shall say, I am the LORD's; and another shall call himself by the name of Jacob; and another shall subscribe with his hand unto the LORD, and surname himself by the name of Israel.  

Isaiah 54:13

(KJV)

  ¹³And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; 

and great shall be the peace of thy children.

Psalm 127:3

(NIV)

 ³ Sons are a heritage from the LORD,
       children a reward from him. 

Psalm 45:10-11, 13

(NIV)

 ¹⁰ Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear:
       Forget your people and your father's house.

 ¹¹ The king is enthralled by your beauty;

       honor him, for he is your lord. 

 ¹³ All glorious is the princess within her chamber ;
       her gown is interwoven with gold. 

Enough

 The Prayer of St. Teresa 

Let nothing disturb you, 

nothing distress you.

While all things fade away, 

God is unchanging
 

Be patient, 

for with God in your heart, 

nothing is lacking
 

God is enough.

Inheritance

A friend of mine is a gifted gardener.  I visited her and her garden yesterday.  She told me of her vision for her garden, what she wanted to plant and how she wanted it to take shape.  It sounds like a wonderful plan, and the fact that she wants to spend herself in making it come to pass, even though she may never see the end results, makes it even more special.

There are people in my life that caught a vision of what I might be, and spent themselves in seeing it come to pass.  Ancestors long gone that prayed for future generations to know Jesus and serve Him, and Christ himself, who, "for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God". (Hebrews 12:2)

Christ's joy was the redemption of God's creation, the restoration of fellowship for God's children whom He made in His image.

I look forward to that day when I will be able to thank those in person to whom I owe my spiritual inheritance, especially my Redeemer.   But for now, I want to be a tree of righteousness, "the planting of the LORD, that he might be glorified."  (Isaiah 61:3)   And I want to have a vision for my children, grandchildren, and great granchildren, spending myself in prayer that they might know their spiritual inheritance.

Passion

What are the things you are passionate about?

My grandchildren leap to mind. In a recent phone conversation, Bee (3yrs) discovered Boo (4yrs)on the phone with Mommo (60something yrs). Bee promptly sought out another handset in another room and this is what transpired.

Bee: "Hi, Boo!"
Boo: "Hello"
Bee: "Hi, Boo!"
Boo: "Hello"
Bee: "Hi, Boo!"
Boo: "Hello"
Bee: "Are you talking on the phone, Boo?"
Boo: "Yes"

I loved every brief second of that encounter. Bee's delight in discovering a new way to communicate with her older brother brought to mind this passage.  It is one I thought of often when I would catch our three children enjoying each other's company.

"How good and pleasant it is when brothers live together in unity! It is like precious oil poured on the head, running down on the beard, running down on Aaron's beard, down upon the collar of his robes. It is as if the dew of Hermon were falling on Mount Zion. For there the LORD bestows his blessing, even life forevermore." Psalm 133:1-3 (NIV)

God is passionate about his children loving each other. 

I pray that when He looks at this child, he sees the dew of Hermon falling, falling.

Compassion

I had a lesson in compassion the other day. My 25 year old son was the teacher. He picked up a stranger wandering in the late night darkness near our home, and brought him inside.

"Mom, I have a friend here."

I had fallen asleep on the couch, it was 1:00AM in the morning.

"He had an argument and his Dad hit him. I found him outside."

My emotions ranged from incredulity to anger to fear. And then I saw the stranger seated at the kitchen table. He was a developmentally challenged gentleman in his 30s, and not appropriately dressed for the coolness of the night. I was as confused as he was disoriented. But my son spoke to him kindly and gently and soon we had enough information to call the authorities for help.

"I really messed up this time. I really messed up", the stranger lamented as we waited for the trooper to arrive.

Evidently he and his family had been returning to Canada from a trip to Florida and had stopped at one of the motels on the interstate about five miles from our home. There had been an argument, and he had left, probably after his parents had gone to bed.

As he stood to go, the stranger gave both my son and myself a hug and thanked us for our kindness. My initial anger was now replaced with concern. Would he be all right? What a burden both he and his parents must carry.

"Mom, I have a friend."   I heard the voice of Jesus in the words of my son.

"For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in." Matthew 25:35 (NIV)

I had a lesson in compassion the other day. My 25 year old son was the teacher. 

Communion

Yesterday was a very full day. We had the privilege of celebrating Communion with some dear friends in ministry in the city. As I approached them at the altar, I felt a joy in my heart and a new awareness of the meaning of this ritual.

We were not only celebrating God's love and grace as portrayed in Christ's sacrifice on the cross, we were celebrating the community we share in our friendship, and looking forward to that great day when all the community of the redeemed will celebrate the Wedding Supper of the Lamb.

I was reminded again of Psalm 16:3  , "As for the saints who are in the land, they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight." 

What a kindness for Jesus to have reminded me of this truth on Thursday, and then give me the opportunity to experience it with Him on Sunday. 

In the midst of my delight, I felt His delight.  That is Communion.

Dance

It amazes me how God works, how he quietly speaks to me in the commonplace things of life. Two days ago on the iron acres blog I posted about dancing in elementary school. God used that childhood memory to stir something up in my heart.

Yesterday as I was preparing to meet my dear husband for lunch, the song "I Can Only Imagine" was playing on the jukebox in my head. My head is always full of music and I never know what selection will turn itself on.

Perhaps there is another hand guiding the choice.

I have always had a problem with the verse that goes, "will I dance for you Jesus?" That seemed like such a silly and inappropriate, even self promoting thing to do. Yes, I know that David danced before the Ark of the Covenant as it was brought back to Jerusalem. But that was David.

^"When those who were carrying the ark of the LORD had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf.  David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might,  while he and the entire house of Israel brought up the ark of the LORD with shouts and the sound of trumpets." 2 Samuel 6:13-15 (NIV)

And yet . . .

Dance has always held a fascination for me. I attended a college dance recital a few years ago and found the joy expressed in movement surprisingly contagious. I wanted that experience.

And so yesterday I found myself with the question, is my problem not with dance but with letting go? Is Jesus inviting me further into his heart and away from my reticence, my fear of embarrassment, my need to control?

It all came together for me then, in the midst of my unsuccessful attempts to rid my thoughts of a "silly song". Jesus was inviting me into his arms for a dance of abandonment.

I want to learn how to dance.

Psalm 16

Psalm 16

1 Keep me safe, O God,

for in you I take refuge.

2 I said to the LORD, "You are my Lord;

apart from you I have no good thing."

3 As for the saints who are in the land,

they are the glorious ones in whom is all my delight.

4 The sorrows of those will increase

who run after other gods.

I will not pour out their libations of blood

or take up their names on my lips.

5 LORD, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;

you have made my lot secure.

6 The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;

surely I have a delightful inheritance.

7 I will praise the LORD, who counsels me;

even at night my heart instructs me.

8 I have set the LORD always before me.

Because he is at my right hand,

I will not be shaken.

9 Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;

my body also will rest secure,

10 because you will not abandon me to the grave,

nor will you let your Holy One see decay.

11 You have made known to me the path of life;

you will fill me with joy in your presence,

with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

This is one of my favorite Psalms.  It reminds me of the goodness and faithfulness---of friends and my Father. 

They are my refuge, my good thing, my delight and my joy.